Mother's matter too

I saw this blog post come up on my Facebook page discussing “Happy mum = Happy baby?”. The post was mainly geared towards breastfeeding but on the whole it had a much deeper meaning and it really spoke to me about how I have felt at times since having F.

F born 3.55am

"Of course, everybody wants the baby to be healthy – to say otherwise would be crazy. But for how long is the baby going to maintain that optimum health if the mother’s broken by her birth experience, or overwhelmed by becoming solely responsible for a newborn, left to cope alone, told that how she feels doesn’t matter, because she “has a healthy baby and that’s ALL that matters”.

http://www.acornpack.com/content/happy-mum-happy-baby Have a read. It’s a really good post.


I planned a homebirth with F. It didn’t happen. After an induction, losing control and losing my voice within hospital about what I wanted to happen, things happening to me without my consent (so easy when you are in labour as your mind is elsewhere and you just can’t think clearly) I ended up with a very questionable emergency c-section. I pretended I was ok with it all at the time. I politely listened to the “I told you so’s”‘ from friends and family who thought I was stupid for wanting a homebirth. When I did try to talk to people about being upset by the birth, the classic “At least you have a healthy baby” shot me down every time. I began to feel like I really didn’t matter. I received no breastfeeding support from the staff at the hospital, or the community midwives when I was home, so I had to formula feed F as I was frightened of starving him. I pushed down the feelings of disappointment about my birth and breastfeeding and did my best to get on with being a mother. However, I knew it affected me. I used to cry sometimes as I gave F a bottle. People would tell me “it’s not poison” and I knew it wasn’t. But “breast is best” and instinctively that’s what I wanted to give my child.

Now, no one was ever trying to make me feel bad. In fact everyone who told me “all that matters in a healthy baby” or “formula isn’t poison” etc was trying to help me. I’m not upset or angry with anyone who has tried to help me. What upsets me is how did society become this way? When did mum’s not matter anymore? When did the standard of good maternity care for mothers become “You’re not dead, be grateful and get on with it”?

I would love the world to change and think more about the things it says to pregnant women and new mothers. But I don’t think its going to happen overnight. I hope by blogging about this, I can help people think about the things they say to others and hopefully woman out there will speak up against these little sayings that really do so much damage mentally. More importantly, help women see that you are not a failure to admit you are struggling and need help. Be it about your birth experience, coping with a newborn or feeding etc.

I haven’t dealt with my birth experience or my failure to breastfeed. When the time comes and I have another baby now doubt it will come flooding back and I will have a mountain of emotional issues to deal with! But I am prepared for them and will speak up more next time. What I think and feel does matter and I will shout it from the rooftops and until I am blue in the face to make sure the people around me, family, friends and health professionals can help me through the whole experience better next time.

One of the biggest things I have learnt from being a mother is I matter. All mothers matter. When we make them not matter, we risk the current and future wellbeing of their baby’s mental health too. And a healthy baby is all that matters, right? For there to be a healthy baby there needs to be a healthy mother.
I hope people have enjoyed reading this post. It’s not meant to seem all doom and gloom but more be an eye opener to whats really going on around us.