Reflecting on a tough year

Ok I know we still have 12 days of 2011 but the next 12 days are going to go by in a blur! So I am reflecting on my year now thinking of the changes and challenges I will set myself for 2012.

2011 has been a very up and down year. I started the year pregnant! It wasn’t something I made very public as it was a massive shock. I found out about this time last year. Kind of forgot I was meant to have periods! I was busy being a mum and the shock of being pregnant I found hard to take. I was going back to work in January as well after having F and felt rather embarrassed about the thought of going back to work pregnant! Xmas last year was a bit of a gloomy time. I knew my wedding need to be moved again as the due date was looking like my wedding day (What are the chances!) and I was worrying how my body would cope. I was still recovering from c-section.

Within a week of being back at work I had my 12 week scan and it was the worst day of my life. After struggling to come to terms with being pregnant again, worrying about how I would cope physically, emotionally and financially I was faced with what every mother dreads. A pregnancy which wasn’t meant to be. I was crushed. Both me and M struggled to come to terms with that has happened for a long time. I needed an operation, time to recover at home and time away from work. Going back again afterwards was extremely difficult. I don’t even know how I got through it! I think I just went by in a daze, not really dealing with what happened to me. F was only 7 months old at this point and luckily had just started sleeping through the night really well. But this was my first month of 2011. 2011 was meant to be the year I was getting married, then I thought I would be having another baby. My February 2011 I had nothing to look forward too. So I booked a holiday with some friends for the August. Something positive to look forward too.

Within 2 days of my miscarriage operation I joined weight watchers. I was 11st and wanted to get back into shape. I needed to throw myself into something and find some kind of purpose again. By about March time I was thinking about running. It was on my mind. I had struggled with running soon after having F and it had put me off. But it was coming back to me again, I wanted to work towards something. So in March I started a run walk program.

I have mentioned throughout my blog that it took me a long time work through my run walk program. But running really gave me a focus. The weight was coming off well and I could see my running was improving. By April I had applied for a new job closer to home which I started in early May. Running was going really well, my new job was wonderful and challenged me in new ways, and I met some wonderful people. Things were really positive. F started with a local childminder who I instantly trusted and he became much happier. He has always been happy but I had struggled with being a working mum. I was starting to find my balance. I decided to give weight watchers a back seat and focus on my running. I was planning to train for a 10K race and start taking part in my local Parkrun.

By the middle of the year I was feeling really positive. I had come through something extremely difficult and I felt like I was coping really well. F turned 1 early June but sadly a week after his 1st birthday my Great Grandma died.

This really was a shocker! It was expected and I just assumed my Great Grandma would always be here! I have some lovely last memories of her at F’s first party, and I was so pleased F received a first birthday card which was signed from his Great Great Grandma! The Xmas before we had also had a 5 generations photo taken and my Great Grandma was the happiest I had seen her in years. She was ready to go, but I don’t think any of us were ready to let her go. This was the first time I was having to deal with death and I had my first funeral to go to.

I was a mess again for about a month, but M and staying focused on my running really helped. Also some wonderful supportive friends in my new work place really helped me get through that difficult time. I don’t think many of them realise it, but they really made a difference.

M then hurt his ankle at the end of June. Badly hurt his ankle. This meant that the holiday we had booked as something positive after the miscarriage had to be cancelled. We were gutted. Again morale was low, but some how we picked ourselves up and carried on.

From August until now running has been my main focus. Parkrun has become a local event I look forward too. I have run two 10K’s and I have half marathon’s, 10K’s and even a marathon next year!

When I look back at this time last year I couldn’t have pictured myself where I am now. Its been a very up and down year. I feel like at times I have neglected friends and family as my mind has been in a bad place. I know I have been very self involved at times, but it’s what I have had to do to help me recover from what’s happened. I have some wonderful friends who have helped me through some very difficult times, some amazing family and a wonderful little boy who is the light of my life. And M This has been hard year for both of us, but he is my rock.

The miscarriageis still very raw even nearly 1 year on. Its something I haven’t discussed much publically and its something I do still struggle to think about. Its become easier to come to terms with. But its something which will stay with me for a long time yet. It wasn’t meant to be, that’s fine. Its lead me to accomplish many other things this year. I won’t let it define me as a person, but its a big part of my life which helped me grow, recover, reflect and become stronger.

To end the year I have Xmas to look forward too and my Dad is getting married. Still many good memories to come from this year I hope. I don’t have many worries. 2012 is going to be an eventful year! Our wedding, all my races and thinking about moving house towards the end of the year. Not to mention F venturing to the terrible 2′s


2011 was tough but it was needed to help me grow.

Mummy's need Mummy friends

Before I had F, none of my friends had children, and once I moved in with M, got engaged, bought a house and announced I was pregnant I began slipping away from them. I moved to a different area of town, had bills to pay (most of my friends still lived/live at home) so going out was a bit of a luxury. I barely saw anyone. Going down the ‘local’ (15min drive for me!) pub during the week for a few drinks was going to cost me a lot of petrol and a meesely glass of coke due to driving. I was on a different path now and my life was leading away from my childhood and my childhood friends. Not because I didn’t like them anymore, it’s just where my life was taking me.

Once I found out I was pregnant I began to realise that I was going to have no-one to relate too. No mummy friends. So I went onto the netmums website and used the ‘meet a mum’ boards and met a wonderful person. She is now my best friend.

Meeting Cathy was one of the best things that happened to me while I was pregnant. Having someone to share those tough times with, share your children’s experiences, offer advice and generally have a good gossip! Also F now has two wonderful playmates I don’t think I would be as sane as I am if it wasn’t for Cathy. She has been there for me through some difficult times. We have shared many cups of tea and play dates. I really do feel Cathy will be my friend for life now. She is a fellow blogger, check out her blog. Its wonderful, honest, funny and full of lovely baked treats www.jackandlils.com



I was lucky enough to meet two other lovely ladies at my antenatal classes and we all live within a 2min walk of each others houses. We all had our babies within 2 weeks of each other. Its been lovely to share the experience of bringing up out little ones with others. We have shared many dates at costa…its where I got hot chocolate addiction from! Thanks ladies There’s a good chance our children will go to school together and become very good friends. I hope we all stay close as I think it will be lovely for all of us to watch them grow and remember when we were first time mum’s having no clue! Lol

Without my ‘Mummy Friends’ I wouldn’t have got through some tough times. I wouldn’t have people to relate too and that it something which I find really important. Having people I can relate too. I think I would feel very lonely if it wasn’t for these special people in my life.

I find and I am meeting new mummy’s all the time, which means F has more friends too. Having lots of friends is less important to me now. Its having friends I get on with, have similar opinions and views or who can accept mine, and having someone I can have a good gossip with. Being alone when you are a mum must be the worst thing. I often think about moving too a town close to me as its cheaper to live. But I just couldn’t. I’m settled where I am. I have friends nearby, my family nearby. I pay a preium to live in the area I do but you really can’t put a price on happiness. And thats something I definitely have by being near my friends and family.

The people I grew up with I haven’t forgotten. I speak to them occasionally. Some of the may be reading this. I am just on a different path and in a different place.

“Your destiny is never tied to anyone who leaves you, and it doesn’t mean they are bad people. It just means that their part in your story is over.”

From thinking about needing mummy friends, I do find I seem to home in on mummies too! I can relate to people, no matter what their age if they are a mummy. It’s a special mummy connection. I know many people who don’t have children and I get on with them just as much. But I do find how they think, there opinions and attitudes are completely different to mine. It reminds me of who I used to be. I was once them. No children, so no one else to think about, different worries, fears and priorities. It makes me smile Having children really does change you and takes you on a new journey. You lose touch with some friends, make new ones and grow into a different person yourself. Its something which I thought would never happen to me before I had children. I was sure I would keep the friends I had, keep the same opinions, attitudes, I knew what kind of mother I wanted to be and I was going to do this and that…I was nieve. I am very nieve, its part of my personality. But I don’t see it as a negative thing. I smile when I think about who I was and who I have become. I think a younger me would have been surprised, shocked but happy with who I am now. And I am sure I am going to change and grow much more.

Me today  

Any expectant mummy’s or new mummy’s out there reading this, I hope you have some mummy friends around you. I really think it is key to helping you through that first tough year and becoming more sure of yourself as a mummy.

To all of my friends and family…. I love you. I may not see many of you regularly but I still think of you, and I am lucky enough to have friends and family I don’t need to see every week, but we can pick up where we left off and have a good catch up

Yummy Mummy?

I’m sat here with my tea and the smallest slice of cake ever! Weight Watchers cake to be exact. It’s actually rather yummy…

Anyway weight loss has been a big part of my life since having Finlay. Watching what I eat, exercise and body image have plagued me! After having F I was left with 3st to lose…which meant I must have put on at least 4st maybe edging towards 5st! The average is 2st! How did this happen? Well I let it happen. I didn’t exercise, ate what I wanted (bad food, take aways etc) and put my enormous bump and arse down to having a big baby..ok fair enough F was 10lb! But did I make him 10lb? Thats something else that has plagued my mind since having him…. another post for another day…

Before F - Sept 2007

Here is a beautiful photo of me at 19. Taken at uni and I was a lovely 9st! Just tiny! I never worried about weight. I was happy with my body, I didn’t think I was perfect but I was happy. Being over weight never entered my mind. I ate reasonably well (apart from a lot of alcohol) but I never exercised (unless dancing while drunk counts?!).

After having F I wasn’t bothered about my weight. I had just had major surgery and was very sore and swollen. I didn’t even think about what my body looked like. I just wanted to feel better and get home. I was unable to wear anything other than jogging bottoms or leggings for 3 months due to my c-section scar so again I never really noticed how big I had gotten. I did intend to breastfeed so thought that would get rid of any weight I had, and I knew my body needed time to get back to normal after pregnancy.
However in August 2010 when I weighed myself for the first time since I was about 20 weeks pregnant I was expecting the scales to maybe say I was 10st 7lb. After all I was a tiny 9st before I feel pregnant I’m not ashamed to admit that Icried when the scale told me I was 12st. I was obese with a BMI of 30!

After having F June 2010

How had I become so deluded about my weight and how I looked! I was shocked. The 12st on the scales opened my eyes. It was a horrible reality check, but one I seriously needed!
There may be people who are reading this and can relate. There may be people reading this who might be angry and think I am vain and self centred or there may be people reading who just don’t get it. But for me being “obese” was something I found very hard to deal with. All my life I have worried about what others thought of me, but this really was about me and only me. And I knew there would be no one else who cared about this as much as I did. In that moment I knew I had to lose weight and I wanted to be “me” again. Not only that, I knew I was risking my health. I was unhealthy. I considered myself a bad role model for my son. I wanted him to grow up fit and healthy, how could I do this when I was obese! After much crying and self pity my weight loss and running journey started.

I have blogged about how I became a running mummy, but dieting is something I haven’t touched on yet. Lets face it, they’re sh1t! And I learnt that dieting is sh1t very quickly! I failed time and time again to stick to calories and I quickly realised that this wasn’t just a diet, it was a whole lifestyle change. I couldn’t carry on eating the way I had been. I needed to change my eating habits and views towards food. Losing weight fast was not going to happen. I needed slow and steady weight loss to make sure it stayed off!

In January 2011 I joined Weight Watchers (other slimming providers are available…). I liked the Weight Watchers plan. It really did teach me about healthy eating and about portion size! I am now so used to smaller portions that I find it incredibly hard to pig out and stuff my face. (Buying smaller dinner plates helped with portion sizes too. My plate always looks full.) It was manageable and easy to follow. It took me a long time to adjust recipes, get used to drinking tea with no sugar, skimmed milk, low fat yogurts, and eggs. Eggs are my biggest discovery since starting my weight loss journey. I read an article online (I must find it one day but really can’t be bothered at the moment!) which suggested people who ate eggs every day typically eat 400 cals less than people who don’t. I now have to eat eggs everyday, and my god it works! Boiled, scrambled, fried (in 1cal spray oil), omelette’s, I love them all!

30lbs gone! June 2011

I have left weight watchers now, for the past 2-3 months have been maintaining my weight well. So far I have lost 30lb and my BMI is down to 24. Thats 3 times the birth weight of F! Makes me feel a bit sick that I had that much crap in my body to lose. I still have another 10lb to go. I lost my motivation for a while, but I am so pleased I have maintained my weight. My running is improving so I know I haven’t failed in anyway. Its a real comfort to know I can maintain my weight.

My motivation to lose those last 10lbs is back…with the purchase of a wedding dress! The most gorgeous dress I have ever seen in my life. I fell in love all over again (sorry M!). So “Operation Stunning Bride” Commences after my weekend away I think


This is my story of weight loss so far and reading it back to myself it seems so easy. It really hasn’t been. These changes in my life and dealing with a lot of issues related to my weight have taken their toll at times. I am very lucky to have a supportive partner, family and friends behind me who have kept me going. Having a child, starting to run, going back to work, becoming a new April is still the hardest thing I have ever done…and its still going on. Losing weight and getting fit is f*cking hard work! But..

If you really want something you will find a way to do it/get there. If you don’t, you will find an excuse.

Having F has been life changing in so many ways. Its made me aware of who I am and what’s important to me. One of those things is being healthy. Losing weight isn’t just about body image. It’s about being healthy, both mentally and physically. The healthier I am, the more I can offer my son.
A Healthy Happy Mummy will raise Healthy Happy Children.

Mother's matter too

I saw this blog post come up on my Facebook page discussing “Happy mum = Happy baby?”. The post was mainly geared towards breastfeeding but on the whole it had a much deeper meaning and it really spoke to me about how I have felt at times since having F.

F born 3.55am

"Of course, everybody wants the baby to be healthy – to say otherwise would be crazy. But for how long is the baby going to maintain that optimum health if the mother’s broken by her birth experience, or overwhelmed by becoming solely responsible for a newborn, left to cope alone, told that how she feels doesn’t matter, because she “has a healthy baby and that’s ALL that matters”.

http://www.acornpack.com/content/happy-mum-happy-baby Have a read. It’s a really good post.


I planned a homebirth with F. It didn’t happen. After an induction, losing control and losing my voice within hospital about what I wanted to happen, things happening to me without my consent (so easy when you are in labour as your mind is elsewhere and you just can’t think clearly) I ended up with a very questionable emergency c-section. I pretended I was ok with it all at the time. I politely listened to the “I told you so’s”‘ from friends and family who thought I was stupid for wanting a homebirth. When I did try to talk to people about being upset by the birth, the classic “At least you have a healthy baby” shot me down every time. I began to feel like I really didn’t matter. I received no breastfeeding support from the staff at the hospital, or the community midwives when I was home, so I had to formula feed F as I was frightened of starving him. I pushed down the feelings of disappointment about my birth and breastfeeding and did my best to get on with being a mother. However, I knew it affected me. I used to cry sometimes as I gave F a bottle. People would tell me “it’s not poison” and I knew it wasn’t. But “breast is best” and instinctively that’s what I wanted to give my child.

Now, no one was ever trying to make me feel bad. In fact everyone who told me “all that matters in a healthy baby” or “formula isn’t poison” etc was trying to help me. I’m not upset or angry with anyone who has tried to help me. What upsets me is how did society become this way? When did mum’s not matter anymore? When did the standard of good maternity care for mothers become “You’re not dead, be grateful and get on with it”?

I would love the world to change and think more about the things it says to pregnant women and new mothers. But I don’t think its going to happen overnight. I hope by blogging about this, I can help people think about the things they say to others and hopefully woman out there will speak up against these little sayings that really do so much damage mentally. More importantly, help women see that you are not a failure to admit you are struggling and need help. Be it about your birth experience, coping with a newborn or feeding etc.

I haven’t dealt with my birth experience or my failure to breastfeed. When the time comes and I have another baby now doubt it will come flooding back and I will have a mountain of emotional issues to deal with! But I am prepared for them and will speak up more next time. What I think and feel does matter and I will shout it from the rooftops and until I am blue in the face to make sure the people around me, family, friends and health professionals can help me through the whole experience better next time.

One of the biggest things I have learnt from being a mother is I matter. All mothers matter. When we make them not matter, we risk the current and future wellbeing of their baby’s mental health too. And a healthy baby is all that matters, right? For there to be a healthy baby there needs to be a healthy mother.
I hope people have enjoyed reading this post. It’s not meant to seem all doom and gloom but more be an eye opener to whats really going on around us.

Runny Mummy

Hello

This blog is an insight into my life. Being a working mummy and embarking on a running jounery. My first post is going to be about running, and how I became a ‘Running Mummy’.

Since having my Son F 16months ago, running have become a big part of my life. I started to run when I realised I had 3 stone left to lose after having F! I have low body confidence, and running was something I had started just before I fell pregnant. With my mum and step-father being Ironman Triathletes and my Fiance M a competent runner I decided this was something I wanted to be part of. I thought of F too and decided I wanted him to have healthy influences in his life. So running came back to me.

This was back in October 2010 I decided I wanted get back into running. I found myself a running plan and set out to get fit. What I encountered was painful, shocking and could have completely put me off. I ran too soon after having F. I suffered badly with my knees. I was in agonising pain for 3 weeks and I remember sitting at home and crying because it was just so painful to walk. With a 4month old and broken sleep I was starting to feel like a failure. I went and spoke with a doctor who was a wonderful lady. What she told me surprised me and I wish I had been told it sooner. It takes your body 9months to return to ‘normal’ after having a baby and all the relaxin in your system to leave the body. What is Relaxin? – Relaxin is good in the sense that its function — as you might guess from the name — is to relax the joints in the pelvis so the baby has room to pass through the birth canal. However, it can cause other muscles in the body to relax and loosen and running after pregnancy when your body isn’t used to it can put emense pressure on your joints causing damage and pain. Seriously though, why is this infomation more readily available? I remember after having Funn being told by my midwife ‘just take it easy’. No more no less. I have to say those 4 words are poor advice! More on what to expect with recovery, the types of exercise you can do or where you can go to get this information would have been more helpful. But thats another issue for another

I avoided running until March 2011 when I knew my body was recovered from pregnancy. From January 2011 I started walking a lot to help improve my fitness. I had managed to lose 1st by this point which really boasted my confidence. I started a running program I found online. It was an 8 week program to get me from walking to running 30mins in 8 weeks. It took me 14 weeks to complete. I found the program hard, and repeated weeks and took rests when I needed too. Once I felt ready I decided to take part in my local Parkrun.

Parkrun is a wonderful event. A free timed 5K every Saturday. You sign up online, print off your barcode, turn up, run, get your time emailed to you. Its a great atomosphere. Everyone is friendly and the great thing is you are only racing againest yourself. Everyone is so encouraging of your improvements and its nice to see some regulars there week after week. So many children running Parkrun with their families too, and mums and dads running with buggies. Just a wonderful place

So my first Parkrun I was nervous. Having had my Fiance, mum and steo dad run the course all in very good times, I was scared of disappointing people. I really didn’t want a time which was over 40mins. My first time was 31:27! I amazed myself. And for the first time ever I had fun running. Until then I ran to lose weight and to work towards a goal. Achieving one of my goals and completing Parkrun was incrediable! I got a massive buzz and satisfaction from all of my hard work. I became a running addict in that very moment!
I ran my first Parkrun in August 2011 and in the last 2 months this is how much my times have imporved: -

31.27 – 13/08/2011
31.09 – 20/08/2011
30.59 – 10/09/2011
30.54 – 17/09/2011
28.56 -15/10/2011

I have also completed my first 10K which I completed in 1:02:11

Finishing my 10K

I am currently training for another 10K in December and a Half Marathon for March 2012.
Its hard to fit in my training around having F, but I am very lucky to have M around who is very supportive and will have F for more while I am doing Parkrun or while I am out for an early morning run. We help each out as staying fit and healthy is important to both of us.

However, running and being a mummy is a post for another day. It does come with its complications, comprimoses and keeping an open mind.
Running and being a mummy is possible. Its hard work but it is possible. I love it