Reflecting on a tough year

Ok I know we still have 12 days of 2011 but the next 12 days are going to go by in a blur! So I am reflecting on my year now thinking of the changes and challenges I will set myself for 2012.

2011 has been a very up and down year. I started the year pregnant! It wasn’t something I made very public as it was a massive shock. I found out about this time last year. Kind of forgot I was meant to have periods! I was busy being a mum and the shock of being pregnant I found hard to take. I was going back to work in January as well after having F and felt rather embarrassed about the thought of going back to work pregnant! Xmas last year was a bit of a gloomy time. I knew my wedding need to be moved again as the due date was looking like my wedding day (What are the chances!) and I was worrying how my body would cope. I was still recovering from c-section.

Within a week of being back at work I had my 12 week scan and it was the worst day of my life. After struggling to come to terms with being pregnant again, worrying about how I would cope physically, emotionally and financially I was faced with what every mother dreads. A pregnancy which wasn’t meant to be. I was crushed. Both me and M struggled to come to terms with that has happened for a long time. I needed an operation, time to recover at home and time away from work. Going back again afterwards was extremely difficult. I don’t even know how I got through it! I think I just went by in a daze, not really dealing with what happened to me. F was only 7 months old at this point and luckily had just started sleeping through the night really well. But this was my first month of 2011. 2011 was meant to be the year I was getting married, then I thought I would be having another baby. My February 2011 I had nothing to look forward too. So I booked a holiday with some friends for the August. Something positive to look forward too.

Within 2 days of my miscarriage operation I joined weight watchers. I was 11st and wanted to get back into shape. I needed to throw myself into something and find some kind of purpose again. By about March time I was thinking about running. It was on my mind. I had struggled with running soon after having F and it had put me off. But it was coming back to me again, I wanted to work towards something. So in March I started a run walk program.

I have mentioned throughout my blog that it took me a long time work through my run walk program. But running really gave me a focus. The weight was coming off well and I could see my running was improving. By April I had applied for a new job closer to home which I started in early May. Running was going really well, my new job was wonderful and challenged me in new ways, and I met some wonderful people. Things were really positive. F started with a local childminder who I instantly trusted and he became much happier. He has always been happy but I had struggled with being a working mum. I was starting to find my balance. I decided to give weight watchers a back seat and focus on my running. I was planning to train for a 10K race and start taking part in my local Parkrun.

By the middle of the year I was feeling really positive. I had come through something extremely difficult and I felt like I was coping really well. F turned 1 early June but sadly a week after his 1st birthday my Great Grandma died.

This really was a shocker! It was expected and I just assumed my Great Grandma would always be here! I have some lovely last memories of her at F’s first party, and I was so pleased F received a first birthday card which was signed from his Great Great Grandma! The Xmas before we had also had a 5 generations photo taken and my Great Grandma was the happiest I had seen her in years. She was ready to go, but I don’t think any of us were ready to let her go. This was the first time I was having to deal with death and I had my first funeral to go to.

I was a mess again for about a month, but M and staying focused on my running really helped. Also some wonderful supportive friends in my new work place really helped me get through that difficult time. I don’t think many of them realise it, but they really made a difference.

M then hurt his ankle at the end of June. Badly hurt his ankle. This meant that the holiday we had booked as something positive after the miscarriage had to be cancelled. We were gutted. Again morale was low, but some how we picked ourselves up and carried on.

From August until now running has been my main focus. Parkrun has become a local event I look forward too. I have run two 10K’s and I have half marathon’s, 10K’s and even a marathon next year!

When I look back at this time last year I couldn’t have pictured myself where I am now. Its been a very up and down year. I feel like at times I have neglected friends and family as my mind has been in a bad place. I know I have been very self involved at times, but it’s what I have had to do to help me recover from what’s happened. I have some wonderful friends who have helped me through some very difficult times, some amazing family and a wonderful little boy who is the light of my life. And M This has been hard year for both of us, but he is my rock.

The miscarriageis still very raw even nearly 1 year on. Its something I haven’t discussed much publically and its something I do still struggle to think about. Its become easier to come to terms with. But its something which will stay with me for a long time yet. It wasn’t meant to be, that’s fine. Its lead me to accomplish many other things this year. I won’t let it define me as a person, but its a big part of my life which helped me grow, recover, reflect and become stronger.

To end the year I have Xmas to look forward too and my Dad is getting married. Still many good memories to come from this year I hope. I don’t have many worries. 2012 is going to be an eventful year! Our wedding, all my races and thinking about moving house towards the end of the year. Not to mention F venturing to the terrible 2′s


2011 was tough but it was needed to help me grow.