Reflecting on a tough year

Ok I know we still have 12 days of 2011 but the next 12 days are going to go by in a blur! So I am reflecting on my year now thinking of the changes and challenges I will set myself for 2012.

2011 has been a very up and down year. I started the year pregnant! It wasn’t something I made very public as it was a massive shock. I found out about this time last year. Kind of forgot I was meant to have periods! I was busy being a mum and the shock of being pregnant I found hard to take. I was going back to work in January as well after having F and felt rather embarrassed about the thought of going back to work pregnant! Xmas last year was a bit of a gloomy time. I knew my wedding need to be moved again as the due date was looking like my wedding day (What are the chances!) and I was worrying how my body would cope. I was still recovering from c-section.

Within a week of being back at work I had my 12 week scan and it was the worst day of my life. After struggling to come to terms with being pregnant again, worrying about how I would cope physically, emotionally and financially I was faced with what every mother dreads. A pregnancy which wasn’t meant to be. I was crushed. Both me and M struggled to come to terms with that has happened for a long time. I needed an operation, time to recover at home and time away from work. Going back again afterwards was extremely difficult. I don’t even know how I got through it! I think I just went by in a daze, not really dealing with what happened to me. F was only 7 months old at this point and luckily had just started sleeping through the night really well. But this was my first month of 2011. 2011 was meant to be the year I was getting married, then I thought I would be having another baby. My February 2011 I had nothing to look forward too. So I booked a holiday with some friends for the August. Something positive to look forward too.

Within 2 days of my miscarriage operation I joined weight watchers. I was 11st and wanted to get back into shape. I needed to throw myself into something and find some kind of purpose again. By about March time I was thinking about running. It was on my mind. I had struggled with running soon after having F and it had put me off. But it was coming back to me again, I wanted to work towards something. So in March I started a run walk program.

I have mentioned throughout my blog that it took me a long time work through my run walk program. But running really gave me a focus. The weight was coming off well and I could see my running was improving. By April I had applied for a new job closer to home which I started in early May. Running was going really well, my new job was wonderful and challenged me in new ways, and I met some wonderful people. Things were really positive. F started with a local childminder who I instantly trusted and he became much happier. He has always been happy but I had struggled with being a working mum. I was starting to find my balance. I decided to give weight watchers a back seat and focus on my running. I was planning to train for a 10K race and start taking part in my local Parkrun.

By the middle of the year I was feeling really positive. I had come through something extremely difficult and I felt like I was coping really well. F turned 1 early June but sadly a week after his 1st birthday my Great Grandma died.

This really was a shocker! It was expected and I just assumed my Great Grandma would always be here! I have some lovely last memories of her at F’s first party, and I was so pleased F received a first birthday card which was signed from his Great Great Grandma! The Xmas before we had also had a 5 generations photo taken and my Great Grandma was the happiest I had seen her in years. She was ready to go, but I don’t think any of us were ready to let her go. This was the first time I was having to deal with death and I had my first funeral to go to.

I was a mess again for about a month, but M and staying focused on my running really helped. Also some wonderful supportive friends in my new work place really helped me get through that difficult time. I don’t think many of them realise it, but they really made a difference.

M then hurt his ankle at the end of June. Badly hurt his ankle. This meant that the holiday we had booked as something positive after the miscarriage had to be cancelled. We were gutted. Again morale was low, but some how we picked ourselves up and carried on.

From August until now running has been my main focus. Parkrun has become a local event I look forward too. I have run two 10K’s and I have half marathon’s, 10K’s and even a marathon next year!

When I look back at this time last year I couldn’t have pictured myself where I am now. Its been a very up and down year. I feel like at times I have neglected friends and family as my mind has been in a bad place. I know I have been very self involved at times, but it’s what I have had to do to help me recover from what’s happened. I have some wonderful friends who have helped me through some very difficult times, some amazing family and a wonderful little boy who is the light of my life. And M This has been hard year for both of us, but he is my rock.

The miscarriageis still very raw even nearly 1 year on. Its something I haven’t discussed much publically and its something I do still struggle to think about. Its become easier to come to terms with. But its something which will stay with me for a long time yet. It wasn’t meant to be, that’s fine. Its lead me to accomplish many other things this year. I won’t let it define me as a person, but its a big part of my life which helped me grow, recover, reflect and become stronger.

To end the year I have Xmas to look forward too and my Dad is getting married. Still many good memories to come from this year I hope. I don’t have many worries. 2012 is going to be an eventful year! Our wedding, all my races and thinking about moving house towards the end of the year. Not to mention F venturing to the terrible 2′s


2011 was tough but it was needed to help me grow.

Mummy's need Mummy friends

Before I had F, none of my friends had children, and once I moved in with M, got engaged, bought a house and announced I was pregnant I began slipping away from them. I moved to a different area of town, had bills to pay (most of my friends still lived/live at home) so going out was a bit of a luxury. I barely saw anyone. Going down the ‘local’ (15min drive for me!) pub during the week for a few drinks was going to cost me a lot of petrol and a meesely glass of coke due to driving. I was on a different path now and my life was leading away from my childhood and my childhood friends. Not because I didn’t like them anymore, it’s just where my life was taking me.

Once I found out I was pregnant I began to realise that I was going to have no-one to relate too. No mummy friends. So I went onto the netmums website and used the ‘meet a mum’ boards and met a wonderful person. She is now my best friend.

Meeting Cathy was one of the best things that happened to me while I was pregnant. Having someone to share those tough times with, share your children’s experiences, offer advice and generally have a good gossip! Also F now has two wonderful playmates I don’t think I would be as sane as I am if it wasn’t for Cathy. She has been there for me through some difficult times. We have shared many cups of tea and play dates. I really do feel Cathy will be my friend for life now. She is a fellow blogger, check out her blog. Its wonderful, honest, funny and full of lovely baked treats www.jackandlils.com



I was lucky enough to meet two other lovely ladies at my antenatal classes and we all live within a 2min walk of each others houses. We all had our babies within 2 weeks of each other. Its been lovely to share the experience of bringing up out little ones with others. We have shared many dates at costa…its where I got hot chocolate addiction from! Thanks ladies There’s a good chance our children will go to school together and become very good friends. I hope we all stay close as I think it will be lovely for all of us to watch them grow and remember when we were first time mum’s having no clue! Lol

Without my ‘Mummy Friends’ I wouldn’t have got through some tough times. I wouldn’t have people to relate too and that it something which I find really important. Having people I can relate too. I think I would feel very lonely if it wasn’t for these special people in my life.

I find and I am meeting new mummy’s all the time, which means F has more friends too. Having lots of friends is less important to me now. Its having friends I get on with, have similar opinions and views or who can accept mine, and having someone I can have a good gossip with. Being alone when you are a mum must be the worst thing. I often think about moving too a town close to me as its cheaper to live. But I just couldn’t. I’m settled where I am. I have friends nearby, my family nearby. I pay a preium to live in the area I do but you really can’t put a price on happiness. And thats something I definitely have by being near my friends and family.

The people I grew up with I haven’t forgotten. I speak to them occasionally. Some of the may be reading this. I am just on a different path and in a different place.

“Your destiny is never tied to anyone who leaves you, and it doesn’t mean they are bad people. It just means that their part in your story is over.”

From thinking about needing mummy friends, I do find I seem to home in on mummies too! I can relate to people, no matter what their age if they are a mummy. It’s a special mummy connection. I know many people who don’t have children and I get on with them just as much. But I do find how they think, there opinions and attitudes are completely different to mine. It reminds me of who I used to be. I was once them. No children, so no one else to think about, different worries, fears and priorities. It makes me smile Having children really does change you and takes you on a new journey. You lose touch with some friends, make new ones and grow into a different person yourself. Its something which I thought would never happen to me before I had children. I was sure I would keep the friends I had, keep the same opinions, attitudes, I knew what kind of mother I wanted to be and I was going to do this and that…I was nieve. I am very nieve, its part of my personality. But I don’t see it as a negative thing. I smile when I think about who I was and who I have become. I think a younger me would have been surprised, shocked but happy with who I am now. And I am sure I am going to change and grow much more.

Me today  

Any expectant mummy’s or new mummy’s out there reading this, I hope you have some mummy friends around you. I really think it is key to helping you through that first tough year and becoming more sure of yourself as a mummy.

To all of my friends and family…. I love you. I may not see many of you regularly but I still think of you, and I am lucky enough to have friends and family I don’t need to see every week, but we can pick up where we left off and have a good catch up